In this case study, I will be identifying and explaining an interpersonal conflict that has resonated with me. I will discuss how it conflicts with my core values and my belief system. I will then describe factors that have influenced my belief system, which will include my identity formation and culture based on my morals and values. I will conclude with an overview of interpersonal conflict models, their strengths and weaknesses.
What is interpersonal conflict? The Business Dictionary defines this as, “A situation in which an individual or group frustrates, or tries to frustrate, the goal attainment efforts of the other.” (Business Dictionary, 2019).
An interpersonal conflict that resonated with me was the aftermath of hitting a fence and damaging property while being under the influence of alcohol. I had been out drinking and drunk a little too much, full well knowing that I had to drive home. I knew what I was doing to an extent, but was justifying my actions with the thought if I have a nap, I will be okay to drive. I was not in the right frame of mind to be behind the wheel in the first place, but I finished my nap and attempted to drive home. This resulted in me falling asleep at the wheel and damaging someone else’s property, writing my car off as well as getting a criminal record.
As a result of this incident, I was confronted by the family moments after I had hit their fence, with them yelling at me about damaging their fence, but I kept thinking the fence was not even damaged that much and only knocked down a little bit. They were annoyed at me and I was more annoyed about the damage to my car. The family kept arguing with me about the fence but I was more focused on the car and the damage it had. I refused to take any numbers and details because there was hardly any damage to the fence and more damage to the car, but they would not take no for an answer and spoke to the police. I was annoyed about this because I did a lot more damage to my car than I did the fence. I was more so annoyed at the fact they wanted me to pay five thousand dollars for a fence when it cost a bit more than that to fix my car. Because of this, I was contacted by a facilitator to meet and discuss the damages I had caused to their fence.
This conflict had a big impact on my core values and belief system, challenging my values. As a role model in my community and a mother of a nine-year-old son, it was a bad reflection on everything I believe in. Having so many high expectations as his role model, I felt that I had let my son down. Drinking and driving and thinking it was okay, partying and having binges when I was not meant to be doing so in the first place.
This event opened my eyes. I had to really evaluate my actions and life and decide what I wanted for my future, for my son’s future. I found it very difficult to apologise to the family who owned the fence because I was annoyed with them that the damage was so little compared to the damage to the car, but I had to come to terms and admit that I was wrong, putting myself in a situation in which I felt uncomfortable and having to acknowledge my actions, with the understanding that I needed to earn their trust and also for them to forgive me how my actions. The impact of the crash made me come to terms with my realising that my drinking was impacting my thought process and doing things I would not do if I was sober. I have always been exposed to alcohol and have found myself in positions of being in dark places with this substance. When I felt that life gets a little bit too much, I always found myself turning to the bottle and never acknowledged what my actions with alcohol were doing to my mind, body and wider actions.
As a child, I never really understood deeply what the word sorry was and was never taught how to deal with conflict. I was always commanded to say sorry then was shouted at with the phrase say it as you mean it, but as a child, I felt as though I was not being heard. There was never any conversation around why I was apologising, I just seemed to always be in trouble. As I had grown up later in life, the word “sorry” did not mean much to me. It was just a word that was thrown around left right and centre, and I sometimes felt that I did not have to acknowledge my words because of the actions of my parent and other family members around me. If I was asked to apologize I would say, “I am sorry,” and keep doing the same thing repeatedly, and that was because I did not properly address the main issue. With this, I had to learn to identify the problem and name what it was and take ownership of my actions. Once I had identified the problem at hand I had to apologize to the other person involved which meant using eye contact, keeping my head up and acknowledging the person I was addressing. When the other person has said I accept your apology or I forgive you, we would conclude with a handshake or hug.
A few factors that have influenced my belief systems are my church family and raising a son, as well as watching the news and reading articles about people dying from this cause. “Between 600-800 people in New Zealand have been estimated to die each year from alcohol-related causes” (Connor et al, 2013). The realisation that this could have been me adding to the statistics by killing an innocent member of the public or myself led me to understand I had a drinking problem that needed to be addressed and put right, both within myself and with the family I had hurt.
As a result of my careless problem of drink driving, I admitted myself into an Alcoholics Anonymous program and found the deeper meaning and cause of my disruptive behaviour with learning the twelve steps and applying it to my everyday life. I had to self evaluate my situation. With my family and friends influence supporting me a hundred per cent of the way, I found that my journey in recovery seemed to be more effective and useful, in wanting to change my frame of mind to be transformed in an authentic way. I found myself sitting down and writing a heartfelt apology to the victims.
The interpersonal conflict I faced presents an opportunity to apply the conflict resolution models, for better insight and deeper understanding of my personality and core values. According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), there are five key aspects of conflict management, namely, competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating and compromising (Kilmann Diagnostics, 2019.). The dimensions that apply to my interpersonal conflict dilemma are avoiding, compromising and collaborating.
In the beginning, I was unwilling to meet the family and admit to the damage that I had caused. This may have been because I was brought up with the expression, ‘sweep it under the rug’. Instead, I needed to stop avoiding and instead compromise with the victim. I apologised verbally and in writing to show my sincerity to make amends. As defined in TKI, compromising is trying to solve the problem in a more direct way rather than avoiding it, by finding a middle ground for both parties (Kilmann Diagnostics, 2019). The family did not take me to the court and accepted my apology to resolve the conflict. A strength that has come of this is how I am now able to confront people if they're a conflict that does not sit right with my personal values and beliefs.
Meeting with the family and them accepting my apology, we collaborated on an agreement of a payment plan and had found a middle ground that we both were happy with. Collaborating is both assertive and cooperative - the complete opposite of avoiding. Collaborating involves an attempt to work with others to find some solution that fully satisfies their concerns. (Kilmann Diagnostics, 2019). The strength of collaborating empowered me to pay off the debt, but at a pace that was realistic for me while also being satisfactory to the other party.
Another model that could guide conflict resolution in the situation I faced is the Interest-Based Relational approach (Fisher & Ury, 1981). This approach tries to separate the emotions involved in the problem being faced. The focus is on building mutual respect and understanding between parties so that they can work together to address the problem (Mindtools, 2019).
The Interest-Based Relational approach (IBR) explains six key aspects that are as named; good relationships are a priority, separate people from the problems, listen carefully to different interests, listen first, talk second, set out the facts, and explore options together. The three dimensions that also apply to my interpersonal conflict are putting people’s emotions away, focusing on building respect and working together to address the problem.
Knowing that the family was not happy with me crashing into their fence, and that I was not proud of myself either, I had to put my feelings to the side and be open-minded to what both parties had to say, recognising that sometimes in conflicting situations, the other party involved is not “being difficult” but both have valid differences (Mindtools, 2019). In this case, those feelings were my frustration, and their anger, being put aside in order to work alongside each other to fix the matter at hand.
Knowing they were open to resolving the matter, I had to gain their respect and trust. I showed I was remorseful in the way I conducted myself, allowing the family to receive my apology letter forgive me for damaging their property. We were able to come to a mutual agreement which gave me an opportunity to put the situation right by paying for the fence. “Be open to the idea that a third position may exist, and that you might reach it jointly” (Mindtools, 2019).
The strength of the TKI model is that it enables one to assess how they are reacting to a situation against the dimensions, knowing that their reaction in each conflict may appear in a different dimension. It is useful for and personal growth. However, the model seems to be based more on workplace conflict and as such may not apply to all situations involving a conflict as well as another model might. In comparison, the Interest-Based Relational approach is much more focused on how one might solve conflict once it has arisen, which is a strength of this model, as it includes a step by step guide to conflict resolution. It does mean, though, that the model does not devote as much time to helping one understand or reflect on their own tendencies during conflict, in order to better approach a situation the next time.
In summary, learning about the Thomas Kilmann model and the Interest-Based Relational approach, and applying them to my own interpersonal conflict, I have found them to be useful for the future. I have learned new ways to deal with conflict and many other interpersonal conflicts I might encounter in the future. I have found these to be key aspects to help with managing conflict in more of a professional manner.
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